The King Who Would Be a Man
by Sarah1281
Summary: Joffrey is a little annoyed at still having to listen to his mother as a king but is perfectly willing to go along with her plan to try and preserve peace by sending Ned Stark off to the Wall. Petyr Baelish has a few ideas about how to throw a spanner in the works. But, as he reminds Joffrey, he's completely in favor of Cersei's brilliant plan.


The King Who Would Be a Man

On the whole, Joffrey had been expecting to like this whole king business a whole lot more than he actually did.

He _did _enjoy being king and throwing people in the dungeon and cutting their heads off when they deserved it but he had thought being the king was about doing whatever you wanted to do. That was how his father was king and didn't everybody say how great he was?

He had thought he'd be older when his father died but, well, he wasn't. He had thought he would have all the power but somehow it seemed he still had to do everything his mother told him. On the one hand she _was _his mother but…he was a _king_. His father had never had to do what his mother had told him! Either Joffrey's mother or his father's own mother. Of course his father's mother had died years and years ago so good luck getting any orders out of her! And he had never listened to Joffrey's mother either unless she annoyed him but she was just his wife and not his mother so it might not be the same thing.

All of this was very complicated and he didn't want to worry about stupid things like that when he had a realm to hold together after his stupid uncles decided that they wanted to steal his throne. Uncles Renly and Stannis were royal, too, sort of. Before Joffrey had been born Stannis had even been a prince though he certainly didn't look like any kind of prince Joffrey had ever heard of. He just bet Sansa would have _died _if his father had tried to marry Stannis to her. And it would certainly be funny but Stannis already had a wife and Sansa was still to marry him. Mother said.

Renly and Stannis were already great lords of their own even if Stannis had a stupid island with stupid gargoyles on it because his father hated him. Cleary they just wanted to steal Joffrey's crown (they never tried when it was his _father's _crown!) because they hated him and they wanted to be able to do whatever they wanted. Well it's not like Joffrey ever liked them much anyway, either. Stannis was no fun and Renly always treated him like he was a baby. Wouldn't they be in for a surprise when they found out that kings still had to listen to their mothers? Or maybe they wouldn't since they had the same mother as his father and she was still really, really dead.

It wasn't fair.

And then stupid Robb Stark with his stupid cheating and being two years older than him and beating him in the yard had to go and cause problems. Joffrey would have won in a real fight, that much he was sure of. In a _real _fight where he could use his _real _sword. He had a real sword even then: Lion's Tooth. His uncle imp kept calling it Lion's Paw and Joffrey was nearly positive that he did it on purpose. And stupid Arya Stark threw it in the river when he was _just _trying to defend her honor as the sister of his betrothed from that nasty little butcher boy who had the nerve to _hit _her. How was he the bad guy in that situation?

But then what could you expect from wolves? They were mad, the whole lot of them. Thankfully Sansa was more like her nice southron mother, or so he'd been promised.

Robb Stark hadn't had a sword. He was two years older than him and practically a man grown and he had to make do with wooden swords. Yes the realm was at peace but how was anyone ever supposed to be ready to defend it if they weren't allowed to use real swords until the fighting started? He still fondly remembered the look on Robb Stark's face when he begged his master-at-arms (imagine a future lord begging a mere knight!) to let him have a real sword and fight Joffrey. And he didn't even get it. Just as well. Joffrey might have poked a few too many holes in the boy and his father wouldn't be happy that he had damaged his stupid friend's stupid son.

Joffrey had tried to figure out why his father had had such a bad friend but he didn't see the two of them together enough to figure it out. No matter what Ned Stark's other qualities, surely the fact that he tried to murder his father's own son and steal his throne meant that he was – by any standards – a bad friend? But then his father hadn't seen him in years so how was he supposed to know what a vile little traitor he was?

That was one thing that Joffrey was grateful for: that his father died before finding out the truth about Ned Stark. Joffrey had never cared about him and now hated him so he didn't care but it would upset his father to learn about this treachery. At least Ned Stark hadn't tried to kill his father and take the throne but waited until that stupid boar had cowardly struck him down. Mother said that enjoying feasting on that boar was the best way to get vengeance against it. The boar and his father might have killed each other but only one of them was eaten by those who loved their king.

Ned Stark, Ned Stark, Ned Stark…why did he have to be so awful? He had half of Westeros! Couldn't he just stay up there and leave everybody else alone and not try to kill him and steal his kingdom? Joffrey was taking that just a little bit personally.

And he was telling all sorts of horrible lies. Joffrey didn't know quite what those lies were but surely he had to say _something _so he could pretend that he wasn't a traitor. His mother was quite upset by them and wouldn't let him hear them. A king should be able to hear them if he wanted.

And then after he outright told Joffrey that he wasn't the king but Stannis was. His mother had tried to be merciful and just wanted him to go away and leave them all alone. Did Lord Stark want to hear it? No, he wanted to have Joffrey and his family arrested and tried to get the loyal gold cloaks to do his dirty work! And then all he wanted to do was sit in his cell and feel sorry for himself and not even admit that he was a dirty traitor.

Well, at least he had eventually changed his mind on that. Joffrey had seen the cells and he really wasn't surprised that they tended to have that effect on people. And then Lord Stark would go away and he could go back to being king and maybe his mother would remember that she wasn't in charge of him anymore.

Joffrey was so busy stewing he almost didn't notice Littlefinger come into the room. "Oh, Lord Baelish." He rather liked the sound of 'Lord Littlefinger' but he didn't think the man would like that and he was sometimes the only one who was willing to tell him things his mother didn't want him to know, even back before he was a king.

Littlefinger bowed and smiled at him. "Ah, Your Grace. Are you excited about tomorrow?"

Joffrey shrugged. It was an official function and he knew that, as a king, there was no getting out of it. Even his father had had to go to some of those and he had seemed to hate them more than Joffrey did. At least he got to drink as much wine as he wanted. That always seemed to put him in a better mood. It would be long and boring and if he didn't behave then, king or not, people would laugh at him. If they laughed at him he might have to kill them and then people would think he was cruel or if they were important it could cause problems with their families and normally it didn't matter as long as he wasn't burning nobles alive like Mad King Aerys but with rival kings going around it wouldn't be a good idea to give traitors ideas.

"I'll be glad to not have to tolerate Lord Stark anymore," Joffrey said.

Littlefinger chuckled. "Not an uncommon sentiment, I assure you. I myself have ever misliked the man and that's even before I knew that he was such a vile traitor."

That interested Joffrey greatly. Most people refused to admit that they didn't like important people unless everyone made fun of them like with his uncle Tyrion. And while Lord Stark was a traitor he was still Lord Stark – for now – and Littlefinger said he had _always _misliked him. "Really? How come if you didn't know about him being a traitor?"

"His wife is a wonderful person and he's not good enough for her," Littlefinger confided. "I'd almost worry about him if he _didn't _have a bastard but who would have a bastard in a castle to shame his trueborn family and put them at risk? Your father has a few bastards himself but he certainly never asked you to call them 'brother'!"

Joffrey shuddered at the very thought. "How appalling."

"And all he wants to do is frown at everybody and have no fun. He's a lot like your uncle Stannis, actually. Do you know that when your father decided to have a tourney in his honor, all he wanted to do was complain about it? He didn't even want us to call it his tourney!"

"Now that's just selfish," Joffrey said. "A lot of people came a long way for that and it made people happy. It made _Sansa _happy."

"Some people are just selfish," Littlefinger agreed. "He certainly never liked me because once, a very long time ago before he was even intended for Catelyn Tully, I wished to marry her. What sane man wouldn't want to marry her is what I ask. But I was refused and she married him and you would think that would be enough for him but _no_. Apparently he's the jealous sort."

"I'm not the jealous sort," Joffrey said immediately. "What do I have to be jealous of? I'm the king."

Littlefinger nodded. "Oh, quite so. I'm not saying that Ned Stark doesn't have his good points. He raised a beautiful daughter, after all, though between us I see her mother in her far more than her father. But all he ever wants to be is frigid and grim and honorable. Honor is such a convenient cloak to hide villainy, is it not? No doubt, even with all the undeniable proof of wrongdoing, there will be those who will blame you and insist that he is being wronged."

Joffrey frowned and crossed his arms. "Well he's not. I wouldn't want him as my Hand but I wouldn't care if he just went right back home after Father died. Father _trusted _him and he was barely cold when Lord Stark tried to take over!"

"Oh, it's terrible manners, I quite agree," Littlefinger said mildly. "I don't hold with it at all. He might have at least waited until after the funeral."

"He might have _at least _not done it at all," Joffrey said sharply, not seeing what manners had to do with treason.

"True," Littlefinger acknowledged with a bow of his head. "But when a terrible thing is done it somehow makes it _more _terrible if it's done badly."

That didn't quite make sense. "It…would be better if he had succeeded?"

"For him? Probably. For you and I and all loyal to the Iron Throne? Perhaps not. I just mean it would be less insulting if he hadn't acted to betray his friend so quickly. He had his chance to take the throne once before, you know, when your father did not want it and he refused it then so he should have respected that it was too late to change his mind now."

Joffrey hadn't heard that. "My father didn't want to be the king? Why not?"

Littlefinger shrugged. "Oh, I cannot say that we ever really spoke about it. A king's doubts are so often his own. He wasn't like you born to rule. Or rather he was but born to rule Storm's End and so his ending up a king was quite unexpected. He had grown up expecting Targaryen rule as children now grow up expecting Baratheon rule. You may have noticed that your father was…not fond of the Targaryens."

"Baby dragons."

"Ah, yes," Littlefinger said shortly. "I believe he wanted his older father figure Jon Arryn to take the throne but he was already the elderly Lord of the Vale lacking in heirs or his friend Ned Stark who just wanted Winterfell at the time. And your father does have Targaryen blood, for all he did not like to speak of it. That's how succession works. Without that royal blood he'd have no claim on the throne at all, would he?"

"He would if he conquered it," Joffrey argued. "Maybe he didn't have dragons but he still won."

Littlefinger nodded. "And that is exactly why you are king today. It's rather _rude _of Ned Stark to refuse the throne once when he could have taken it and then try to steal it from his dear friend's son, don't you think?"

Rude wasn't the right word (though Joffrey supposed it was hardly _polite_) but then Littlefinger talked weird sometimes. He didn't like coming out and saying things. "People shouldn't say he's a victim."

"People shouldn't but it's really inevitable," Littlefinger told him. "People say all sorts of stupid things. The smallfolk hated and feared the mad king as well as the rest of us did but the minute winter comes they'll start whining about how much nicer the weather was under him and how he'd have never stood for this sort of thing."

"He'd have never stood for…winter?" Joffrey repeated. "Wasn't it winter during his rule? At least the end of it."

Littlefinger shrugged. "What can I say? The smallfolk are terribly stupid. You'll get nothing out of trying to reason with them, Your Grace."

"I hope up at the Wall they don't decide that they want Ned Stark to be their king after all," Joffrey said, a new fear coming over him. Or…it wasn't a fear, really, and he'd be fine. Littlefinger had said it himself: the smallfolk were stupid and he had his mother had already beaten Lord Stark once. He just didn't want to have to worry about that kind of thing. Robb Stark had already called up an army, after all, and was being stupid with it up north. Maybe he didn't like his father being in chains but it wasn't _Joffrey's _fault that his father was a traitor. He really should look being more reasonable about things.

"King beyond the Wall," Littlefinger mused. "I think they already have one. Then again, gods know that the Northmen do love a Stark beyond all reason."

"They can't have titles on the Wall, right?" Joffrey asked rhetorically. "They give up their titles and their families and can never get married or inherit or have to face the punishment for their crimes."

"It's not a great life though it certainly is a better alternative than being hanged," Littlefinger remarked. "I still think Benjen Stark is mad for taking the black willingly. He's not even a bastard like that other Stark up there. Well, Snow."

"You didn't say that Ned Stark couldn't cause problems up on the Wall," Joffrey accused.

Littlefinger blinked guilelessly at him. "I'm sorry, did you want me to? We all know the law. I didn't think it was necessary."

"There may be a law against members of the Night's Watch doing a great many things but there's also a law against stealing people crown's," Joffrey pointed out.

"I suppose you do have a point. There's a vow of chastity, I'm told, and unlike our noble members of the Kingsguard I rather doubt these scum of the earth keep to those vows," Littlefinger said slowly. "Surely you're not suggesting that Lord Stark would try to take the throne from you after he's taken the balck?"

Joffrey thought about it. "Maybe not," he conceded. "He didn't say anything about wanting the throne for himself, actually. He said he wanted Uncle Stannis."

"He could be lying," Littlefinger offered. "But he could not be. With you and your brother out of the way, your uncle is the legitimate heir so he's a clever choice for Ned to use. They're both so unpleasant and have so much in common that while I'm sure none of us would like him for a king they'll probably get along famously. And while you would have no particular reason to thank him for failing to be a traitor, imagine the gratitude of Stannis for giving him the throne."

"Giving him the throne?" Joffrey repeated, frowning. "Do you really think he'd have that much power?"

"You know how big the north is," Littlefinger said. "And then there's Lady Stark's family. Catelyn herself would never be a part of anything treasonous but if she didn't know the truth and believed her husband to be victimized…well her father is the Lord of Riverrun and her sister Lady of the Eyrie. I think that if a man wanted to be king, he could do worse than turning to Ned Stark for support."

Joffrey's mouth twisted. "He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't dare. I could kill him far sooner than he could raise his stupid armies." Except the ones Robb Stark had already risen but at least they hadn't done anything yet. "And on the Wall they kill people who try to leave, don't they?"

"They do kill deserters," Littlefinger confirmed. "But would they kill Lord Stark?"

"He wouldn't be Lord Stark anymore," Joffrey insisted.

"Old titles die hard," Littlefinger said quietly. "He would still be a Stark and should he rise to Lord Commander – and the current Lord Commander is so old – then he'd be Lord Stark again. And it's really one thing to declare him no longer a lord but to name him no longer a part of his family? I wonder if the Starks would find that quite so easy to live by as it is to say."

"They wouldn't have a choice," Joffrey said. "That is what Ned Stark will agree to if he wants to live."

"Ah, yes, and oaths and honor are so very important to the man," Littlefinger said mildly.

He didn't have to remind Joffrey that the whole reason any of this had happened was because Ned Stark had sworn to serve his father and protect his children and then turned right around and tried to take everything. It's not like he had forgotten.

"If he tries I'll be ready for him," Joffrey said fiercely. "I'm hardly going to kill him just because I'm _afraid_. I'm no craven."

Littlefinger looked genuinely surprised. "Who said anything about killing him? I just worry that, up there in his frozen North, Ned Stark will find some path to power. I suppose that, should he content himself with Lord Commander, there is nothing wrong with him rising again to a lordship of sorts."

"A traitor stripped of his title but made a lord again," Joffrey mused. "I don't see what's so bad about the Night's Watch personally. Oh, yes, you have to live up there but the Northmen can't mind it or they'd come down south like decent people."

"Oh, I can't see what Ned Stark has to complain about at all," Littlefinger agreed. "The queen's mercy is quite brilliant. With one stroke she will keep you safe and eliminate Ned Stark as a threat and pacify his family. She'll restore peace to the land without spilling any more blood."

That all sounded well and good but something was wrong. "My mother?"

Littlefinger blinked at him. "Pardon?"

"You said that _my mother's _mercy was going to make everything better," Joffrey told him. "Not mine."

"Oh, did I?" Littlefinger looked a little embarrassed. "Sorry, I misspoke."

"Why?"

"Why? I don't-"

"It's not my mother's decision," Joffrey interrupted. "She's not the king; I am."

"Well, she is the regent," Littlefinger reminded him. "A technically perhaps but you are so young that you do need one."

"And what does that mean?" Joffrey demanded.

"A regent usually rules in place of a rightful king who, for whatever reason and often because of age or absence, cannot rule for themselves," Littlefinger said. "I don't mean to say that you aren't making your own decisions. You're no mere boy even if you haven't reached your maturity yet. I'm sure you've given the decision to spare Ned Stark a lot of careful consideration."

But he hadn't, really. He had wanted to have his guards cut off Lord Stark's head right there. He had been told that Lord Stark wanted to take his throne but he hadn't really been able to believe it (not that he _doubted _his mother but who would even do that?) until he had seen the confrontation with the gold cloaks for himself. His mother had been in control. And he wanted to kill the traitor immediately but there again she had stepped in and pointed out that he couldn't just go around executing important nobles and that people would riot. Joffrey wasn't a bad king. He was no Aerys but if his first official act were to kill a high-ranking noble (and a Stark, at that, given the fate of Rickard and Brandon Stark) then people would wonder.

So he put him in a cell until he agreed to confess. And he did. And then…what? He would try to take everything from Joffrey and betray his realm, his king, and his friend and barely even get punished for it? Going to the Wall sounded almost worse than death to Joffrey but Lord Stark's own brother went there on purpose and so did his bastard. No one made them. It would be a regular little family reunion, wouldn't it? He'd have to leave Winterfell but he had to leave Winterfell to come to King's Landing. So much treason and no consequences for it? Suddenly it was intolerable.

"Yes," Joffrey said slowly. "But does everyone know that?"

Littlefinger hesitated.

"_Do they_?"

"Everyone else doesn't know you, Your Grace," Littlefinger was quick to reassure him. "Everyone else only sees a very young, very new king and a powerful woman who has been queen since before he was born."

"That's the problem, though, isn't it?" Joffrey said unhappily. "It doesn't even matter what _really _happened, just what people believe? I don't want people to think my mother controls me."

"Give it time, Your Grace. They'll see how it is in time, especially once you get older," Littlefinger advised.

"I don't _want _to give it time! I want it now!"

"Well I do not know what to tell you," Littlefinger said apologetically. "Unless you intend to publicly go against her advice then I do not see how-"

Joffrey's eyes lit up. "Oh, that would do marvelously!"

"I did not mean to suggest-" Littlefinger cut himself off. "I would be remiss if I did not advise against quarrelling with your mother in public. It might undermine her and won't inspire respect."

"I wouldn't outright argue," Joffrey said, a plan beginning to form. "I would just…tell her that I was going along with what she wanted me to do and then once I'm in front of everybody else I'll tell them that my mother wanted me to do one thing but I'm going to do something else because of…reasons. Reasons I will absolutely have when it comes time."

"I do not know if that is wise," Littlefinger fretted.

Joffrey rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask you to sanction it, Lord Baelish. Just give me an idea about what I could so overrule her on."

Still Littlefinger hesitated. "I'm afraid I don't know, Your Grace. It would have to be something of at least middling importance and who can say what sorts of decisions will come up in the future? All anyone is interested in right now is the fate of Ned Stark but, as I said, the qu-_your _decision to have him take the black is just such a brilliant move that it really is the only option that I can see."

And there it was again. At least he corrected himself but it was clear that Littlefinger, too, saw him as just his mother's puppet. "I'm starting to wonder that personally."

"You are?"

"It just doesn't seem like an appropriate punishment for treason," Joffrey said.

"There's a long history of sending men to the Wall if they don't deserve execution but fought on the wrong side of an encounter," Littlefinger pointed out. "Your father's rebellion most notably as the Greyjoy rebellion ended with just the Greyjoy heir hostage and his father keeping his throne."

"That's different. That's…weird island people," Joffrey told him. "That's far away and nobody even cares about it. And he just tried to declare his independence, didn't he? He never tried to take my father's place."

"That is true," Littlefinger admitted reluctantly. "But-"

"A man like that, what he really deserves is execution," Joffrey cut in. "Up at the Wall they kill men for just trying to leave the Wall."

"Killing desserts is a perfectly sound practice, Your Grace. Everyone does it. There's no other way to keep discipline."

"I'm not arguing with that," Joffrey said impatiently. "But don't you think that if people can deserve to be killed for breaking a vow like that they should deserve to be killed for such treason? I mean, unless Lord Stark had actually managed to kill me or my father or Myrcella or Tommen then he could hardly have committed a greater treason than he did. So why should his punishment be the same as a man who gets caught stealing one too many times and doesn't wish to lose a hand?"

"I…it's not…"

Joffrey sighed. "The only trouble is Sansa."

"Sansa?"

"I'm to marry her," Joffrey explained. "I would have thought that after her father's betrayal the betrothal would be off but Mother says that it isn't." He flushed. "And I _know _that…I'm not just going along with it because she told me to!"

"I know, Your Grace."

"Sansa Stark is very pretty. She knows how to behave at court. She's already here and we've already betrothed. She may be a bit stupid but she still loves me even after I locked her father up for treason and I don't think most people would be that understanding even though he is actually guilty of treason. And there's not a lot of women high-born enough for me. It has to be someone from one of the great houses. I can't very well marry someone not from Westeros, what do they know about us? I can't marry a Lannister again so soon and Shireen is ugly and Stannis is a traitor anyway. The Martells are still mad about something or other with the traitor Targaryens being killed. The only Arryn around is a boy, there are no Tully children, nobody cares about island people, and Sansa is it for the Starks. Arya Stark – wherever she is – wouldn't be any more appropriate than Sansa and she's a little nightmare anyway. There's the Tyrells, maybe, but everyone says they want my uncle Renly to be king so I can't very well marry one of them! It has to be Sansa."

"You've put a great deal of thought into this," Littlefinger noted.

Joffrey gave him a disgusted look. "Of course I have. I am the king and cannot marry lightly. Who I wed will determine the fate of Westeros forever, you know, because our children will inherit and so our bloodline will be passed down. I have to be careful. And Mother worries Sansa will give me stupid children but I'm plenty smart enough for both of us. And she's smart enough to know not to beg me to let her father free, at least."

"Why is Sansa a problem with your plans for her father, then?" Littlefinger asked.

"It's not a _huge _problem," Joffrey explained. "I just feel that, filthy confessed traitor or not, having her father executed might cause problems for our future relationship. I do want her to love me, after all, not just tolerate me. That sounds like such a terrible existence."

"I fear I do not know Sansa Stark well enough to be able to truly tell you how she would react to such a thing," Littlefinger said apologetically. "She is a Stark, though, and what is it that they say about the Starks? That they will endure? And the Tully are hardy folk as well. She will be upset, I guarantee it, but if she truly knows him to be a traitor then – while she will be disappointed he will not go to the Wall after all – she will understand. One day she will see that you had no choice but to do your duty and how can a Stark, of all people, hold that against you? And if she hears that you worried about doing your duty for her sake…why surely that will touch her heart! She will not thank you for her father's head but no woman wants a weak husband and a weak king is worse than most. If you did this and showed her your strength then who knows? Perhaps the two of you would be stronger together for it."

Joffrey nodded along with the words, pleased.

"That is not to say that I in any way advocate the death of Lord Stark," Littlefinger said quickly. "Catelyn would be devastated. I did promise her that I'd try to protect him and while his treason did make that a little harder than I had initially thought, I want you to know that I believe he should be sent to the Wall."

"Sentiment," Joffrey accused. "You would be weak for the sake of a woman."

"For that woman, I would be a great many things," Littlefinger said softly. "All within the bounds of propriety, of course. I may have had her maidenhead but I did not touch her once she was wed."

That did not sound like it was within the bounds of propriety to Joffrey but what did he care of the honor of the wife of a traitor?

"Then I suppose it is a very good thing that you aren't a king," Joffrey told him. "This is not a thing I shall do gladly but I see now that it must be done. Robb Stark is threatening war and I can't appear weak. He'll attack for sure if I do that and take the Riverlands and the Vale with him. He wasn't here, I suppose I can't blame him for not believing his father is a traitor but that is no excuse for treason himself. If he won't swear fealty and rebels then I must respond. And if the Starks think that they can just take half my kingdom they have another thing coming. And with my uncles wanting the throne as well…Well I wish I didn't have to cause this unpleasantness between myself and Sansa but I am a king and a king must make sacrifices. I need to kill her father to not look weak and I need to not look weak to save the kingdom. She'll understand that, won't she?"

There was a strange glint in Littlefinger's eyes. "Oh, after this I think she will understand a great many things she does not currently, Your Grace."

Joffrey relaxed. "Good. The only question then is how to make sure that when I give the command to take his head it is obeyed. If I order his execution but everyone listens to my mother the regent then I'm in a worse position than I started and I might as well just let Robb Stark sit on my throne now."

"I shouldn't worry about that," Littlefinger told him. "I may not agree with this course of action but I am ever your loyal servant. You give the command and I promise you that it will be done."

Joffrey nodded absently and began to plan out the words he would say the next day when the moment to take command came. They all thought he was so young and so malleable. They'd see. Ned Stark's head would roll and then they'd _all _see.


End file.
